The Devil’s Dictionary, written
by Ambrose Bierce in 1911, is book #1 and it only took a day or so to read. It is
nothing more than a long list of words with alternative definitions. The definitions are excessively cynical and
snide. Here
are my ten favorites:
PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of
many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
EDUCATION, n. That which
discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of
understanding.
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all
delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
FUTURE, n. That period of
time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is
assured.
POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the
fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared.
When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the
edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being
alive.
OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle
preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet
when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has
been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have
written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of
the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful
controversy.
PAST, n. That part of
Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable
acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary
period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the
one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark
with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The
Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one
crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in
the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of
success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future
is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream.
RELIGION, n. A daughter of
Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of
existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them
with others.